Never knowingafter 8x09
by organdamage
Summary: What happens immediately after the last scene in "Dark was the Night"  reviews are always super awesome and greatly appreciated, so review, review!
1. Chapter 1

_You blink and suddenly, everything has changed. Everything you've ever known is different, and it's scary, because all it took was one flutter of an eyelid. You could be holding the world in your hands and now it's all gone, maybe it was never even there? But who really knows, maybe there is a guy pulling strings to make us move, maybe this was all meant to be. Or you could believe what I believe, which is nothing, at all. _

"Stay right there." Alex limped over to the bodies that were thrown out into the middle of the road, drenched in blood and ashes. Normally, I would have fought back, determined to help in anyway I could, but every time I tried to make a step, I felt like I was flying. Something told me that when holding a dying, blue colored preemie, I should just stay put.

"Dead, dead, dead," he was pacing, or so I thought, I couldn't really see, everything was really blurry. "Mer you gotta sit, please just sit." I guess he could see me spinning; this was worse then being on drugs.

I felt around the ground, my hands tracing over shards of glass that didn't even hurt when they cut my hand. I sat, holding the baby close to my chest, making sure she wouldn't die, she couldn't die.

"What the hell?" Alex was screaming, "what the hell happened?" The car was still on fire, the blaze keeping me and the baby warm, thankfully, well I guess not thankfully, per say.

There was a faint screech from someone in the car, someone was alive? My eyes kept looking left to right, every time I tried to say something, nothing came out.

"Mer? Mer?" Alex ran over to me, grabbing the baby out of my arms. "Mer are you okay?"

_ He had Derek's blue eyes and my soft hair; he giggled like I did, at anyone and anything, a high pitched squeal. He was sitting on the exam room table, playing with a stethoscope as drool came down his chubby cheeks. My heart ached, because I knew who he was, and I didn't think I'd ever see him. _

_ "How old are you now?" I heard a distinct voice from the other side of the room, picking up the child, with a goofy grin widespread across his face._

_ "Two!" the boy enthusiastically held up two fingers, pulling on his shirt, laughing giddily. _

_ "That's right, what a big boy you are!" _

_ "George?" I asked, coming through the room, touching the boy's curls. I smiled at him, it was hard to look away._

_ "You need to leave," George replied, holding the child close to his chest._

_ "Why? I've got nothing left." I placed my hand over the little boy's, "what's his name?"_

_ "He doesn't have one," George responded._

_ "That's sad, everyone should have a name," I frowned._

_ "He's not anyone, he's never been anyone." I stepped back, my face crumbling. _

_ "It's my fault he was never anyone, it's all my fault," I cried, tears streaming down my face, "he's such a beautiful little boy, he's all I could have ever wanted." _

_ "Mer you need to leave."_

_ "Will I ever see him again?"_

_ "One day."_

_ "That's not soon enough."_

I could feel myself crying, crying in my sleep, it was ridiculous. I don't cry, ever, and here I was, crying in my sleep. Or maybe I'm dreaming still, maybe that's why I'm crying.

"Hey, hey, don't do that," a soothing voice touched my face softly, "you're here, you're fine, everything is going to be just fine."

"I-I-I," stuttering, I didn't even know what to say.

"Mer, it's me, Derek, we're in the hospital," he said quietly, leaning back against his chair.

"He was beau-beautiful," I cried to myself, "I-I don't know wha-at to do."

"You don't have to do anything," he stroked my cheek, I bit my lip.

"Where's Alex?" immediately I remembered where I last was, and if my friend wasn't alive than I shouldn't be either.

"He's fine, minor concussion," he replied, "they found a little girl, in that overturned car, she's the only one that made it. Four dead, and she's still alive, Arizona's doing surgery on her now."

I looked over to the blinds, where light was coming in and suddenly I could see everything more clearly.

"Why am I here?" I asked, looking at the IV that was dripping into my body.

"Well you fainted at the scene, minor laceration on your forehead, Mark stitched that up just fine, you've been out since yesterday."

"That's no need to put me in the hospital." I replied, curious.

"Your blood came up a little funny, that's all," he added.

_Just a moment, that's how long it takes for everything that you know to take a turn. Maybe it's for the worse, maybe it's for the better, no one ever knows. And we are left unknowing forever, you may think you know one thing, but you really don't. Surprises, they can't all be bad, can they? _


	2. Chapter 2

"I don't know how I'm going to tell her this," I could hear Cristina's voice from outside my room, she sounded nervous.

"I don't know how she's going to take it."

"We should tell Derek first, he ought to know," a man's voice, presumably Owen's, added. They probably thought I was asleep or something, but the door was wide open and I could hear it all. The thing is though, none of this is making me nervous, at this point in my life I have nothing left to be nervous about. Maybe I'm dying of leukemia and they are going to break the news to me soon. It doesn't even freak me out that much, it doesn't scare me. I've gone through so much in my life that being scared; it doesn't even phase me. My husband's been shot in front of me, I've lost two babies, I almost died once, too. People around me are consistently going in and out of my life in the most horrifying of ways. If I were to leave and join the rest of them, it wouldn't even be that bad.

I'd get to see my boy.

"I'll page Derek and let him know," Owen said, kissing Cristina's cheek as he left. She had a dumb struck looked on her face, as she looked over into my room through the crack in the window.

"What'd you hear of that?" she shouted, noticing I'd been awake for most of the conversation.

"Bits and pieces," I smiled slyly, sitting up straight as she walked into the room. "Wanna tell me? Am I going to die?"

"Are you happy about that?" she asked back, laughing at how I was enthusiastically contemplating my death, "and no, you're not going to die."

"Bailey would kill you if she heard you say that!" I added, laughing. "You never promise a patient she's never going to die! You don't know that I have an underlying heart arrhythmia or an aneurysm or-"

"Stop rambling! It's nothing like that I promise," she interrupted me, her face slowly dropping.

"Then why do you look so sad?" I asked, raising my eyebrow.

"Why don't we wait until Derek's in here?" she said, sitting down in the chair next to my bed.

"You can't do that to me!" I shouted, still smiling, "you gotta tell me now!"

"Hey, don't scream." Derek came into the room, pushing my hair back off my forehead. He smiled at me, but it was a sort of confused, melancholic smile, like he wanted to smile, but something was making him stop.

"Did Owen tell you?" Cristina asked, Derek nodded, smiling, flashing his teeth. He kissed my hand, as he whispered something to Cristina.

"I will be leaving now, but good luck with all of this," she smiled, leaving.

"Cristina! You can't do that! Come on!" I replied in her departure, "what ever happened to telling me why I'm dying? You're a crappy best friend!"

"You're not dying," Derek added, grabbing Cristina's old seat, sipping his coffee. He just kept looking at me, as if I was going to get up and leave and he was never going to see me again. He might as well been looking at me for the last time in his life, I really didn't get it.

"Yeah I know, wanna tell me what's wrong with me?" I asked, twiddling my thumbs accordingly.

"Nothing's wrong with you, nothing at all," he replied.

"Then why is everyone walking on egg shells around here!" my voice rose higher, "maybe it's not about me? Did we hear anything on Zola?"

Derek's face dropped.

I stopped smiling and realized that we were never going to hear anything on Zola, ever. But Derek was supposed to be the one who believed and hoped for the best, and why wasn't he hoping for the best?

"No, Mer I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you to think of that."

"You say that as if she's not even a real person. As if she's dead. She's not dead, she's out there somewhere. I may have traumatized her for life, but she's not dead."

"No, you know I didn't mean it that way. I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing. Please, just stop." And like that, suddenly the conversation went glum and ugly, and the pain of yesterday all came flooding back to me. It hurt to think about happiness, because I don't know if I'll ever experience happiness again. She was the only person in the whole world who could bring me happiness.

"Mer, if you think about it, what's happened could be incredible, if you let it." he said, smiling again.

"Tell me dammit," I slouched lower into the bed, pouting. I had knots in my stomach, they weren't butterflies though, because they weren't nerves. Everything was so tight, but I could feel myself getting nauseous.

I began gagging, Derek swiftly gave me the barf bucket and the remnants of my lunch were soon out of my system.

"Well that was weird," I said, wiping my mouth, "wait."

"Incredible isn't it?" he said again, smiling wide, "we wouldn't have known if it weren't for everything, we are just so-"

"I swear to god if you say blessed I'm going to slap you." I looked at myself, eyeing every part of my body, and nothing felt at all different. "This isn't how this was supposed to happen."

"Things never go as planned, you of all people should know this."

"Derek, no, I-I-I, no." I choked, tears again falling down my face, "I can't go through this again."

"Mer, don't you know that in order to get our happy ending we have to start somewhere?"

"Derek, we can't just replace her." _Or__him._

"Think about it, this is our future, this is what we've wanted."

"We've had what we've wanted more then once, and it seems like its not meant to be considering how many times everything just goes wrong."

"If you don't let things go wrong, they'll never go right."


	3. Chapter 3

"I hear someone's due for a sonogram?" Cristina woke me up, rolling the machine into the room, I stayed silent. "Oh good, you're not super excited, this means I don't have to be overjoyed with happiness either."

I could feel tears swelling in my eyes, softly bouncing onto my cheeks as I stared into nothingness.

"Oh no, I didn't mean it like that, you know that," she felt bad, I could tell.

"It's the hormones or something," I stated blatantly, "I don't really know what to think."

"Are you gonna keep it?" she asked, spreading the gel onto my stomach. "I don't have to give you the talk, this crap's gonna be cold and you may feel uncomfortable and blah blah blah."

I laughed for a second, "I think I have to."

"This is good Mer, this is gonna be good I promise, you're a great mom," she added.

"I was a great mom." my face dropped, all I could think about was her big brown eyes, and his soft curls. The babies that I've had, but didn't get to keep, I don't think I could imagine going through this again.

"Wait, aren't you supposed to be at Henry's funeral? Derek said he was riding with Owen, I thought you'd be there." I asked, curious.

"Oh, yeah. Me and Teddy are not really talking, it's a long story," she digressed, "look here," she pointed at the screen, "it's my god child!" She's had two potential god children before, hasn't really turned out great in the past.

"Yeah," I said softly to myself, very unenthused. The little thing that looked like a blob made me wince, I've wanted this to happen for years now, but not like this, not like this at all.

"I need some distraction, tell me what happened." I asked, turning away from the screen.

"Basically, I was told I was gonna operate on this guy, Owen forces me. I walk into the OR and decide it would be fun to time myself, since I wanted to beat my two and a half hours that I had done last week. The guy ends up dying, and everyone gets all sad and I have no idea why." She looked over her shoulder for a second, swallowing a lump in her throat, that looked really large.

"It was Henry wasn't it?" I asked.

"See I wish I was as good a thinker as you," she blinked back a tear, "you know if they had told me, I want to say I'd do a better job, but I can't say that. Everyone wants me to feel all crappy because I destroyed Teddy's husband. Every doctor loses a patient once in awhile, I'm more mad at myself for not realizing that it was Henry to begin with, then killing him in the first place."

"You didn't kill him," I added, "he grows tumors like I drink tequila."

"Hey! None of that while you're knocked up with my god child!" she smiled, "do you want a picture?"

I glanced at the screen again, my future staring at me with a big question mark. I wanted to say yes, because any normal person would say yes. I just looked at her, with a confused countenance, hoping she'd figure it out for me.

"I'll print one out, just in case." she said, rubbing the gel off of my stomach. "We can talk about it if you want."

"When do we ever talk about it?" I replied, "what if I'm really not fit to be a mom?"

"Mer, you're an awesome mom."

"Obviously not, a judge said I was unfit to parent my child, and then they took her away, if that's not a bad sign, then I don't know what is."

"Those people don't know you like I do, they don't know you at all," she said, moving the machine.

"Do you know that feeling when you think everything is just falling apart, and all you can do is just sit and watch it?"

"All the time."

"I keep trying to get a hold of what's happening, but every time I try, I mess something else up. First the trial, then my marriage, now my kid. Somehow I got pregnant through all of this? I just don't get it."

"It's easier just to believe that things happen for a reason, sometimes you just have to lie to yourself to get through the day."

"Teddy on your mind?"

"Don't judge me."

"Murderer."

"Pregnant."

"How did we get here?"

"I feel like we say that a lot, don't we?"

Lying on my bed at home, I stared up at the blue post that had haunted my walls for the long hours while Zola would cry and Derek was gone. I thought that my world was ending, and there was nothing left to do, but hope for the best. I, the darkest and twisted of them all, was actually hoping for the best. Who would have thought? I placed my hand on my stomach, patting my fingers against my abdomen, thinking.

"Hey," Derek walked in, tearing his tie off.

"How was the funeral?" I asked.

"As nice as a funeral could be, I guess." he lied down next to me, "the tension between Owen and Teddy kind of killed it."

"Yeah, that whole situation is awful," I added, "and Cristina is in the middle of all of it."

He placed his hand on my stomach, and smiled, I jumped back.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to-," he started.

"It's just I-I-I," I began hyperventilating, completely at a loss for words, "don't think tha-at I've been mo-ore afraid in my-my-my life." I was crying now, damn hormones, "I could lose it, I-I could lose it Derek, I don't know wha-at I would do if-"

"Stop." he interrupted me, kissing my cheek gently, "we can't control what happens to us, and you can't keep blaming yourself for all of this."

"I realized," he continued, "I've been blaming you for too long, yes, some things that have happened to you, to us, were your fault. But it's not all your fault, it's never all your fault. And you need to stop beating yourself up about it, because it's out of our control."

I sniffled to myself, then reached over to my purse, pulling out the sonogram, and laying it across his chest.

"Wow," he smiled to himself, the first true McDreamy smile I'd seen awhile.

**Glad I'm getting such positive reviews! I'm going to try and keep this fanfic as realistic as possible, gonna try and stay truthful to Shonda, but not _too_ truthful. Any suggestions/reviews are awesome! I'll probs update tomorrow morning, but if you guys want more tonight I can def make that happen :)**


	4. Chapter 4

The floorboards creaked as I heard pacing around my room, I opened my eyes to see Derek, mindlessly walking. Turning over to my side, the clock read three thirty.

"Derek, what's wrong?" I whispered, my voice hoarse. I sat up a bit, running my hand through the mess of my hair.

"Just go back to sleep Mer, it's nothing," he replied, continuing to walk.

"It's kind of hard when you're obviously stressed out about something," I replied with unintended attitude. "Sorry, I'm just cranky, are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" The circles under his eyes were dark, he definitely had not slept at all tonight.

"It's just," he stopped pacing, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Addison called."

"Oh?" I asked, then yawned accordingly.

"Amelia, she's," he started, "not well."

"What do you mean by not well?" I leaned forward, rubbing my arm against his cold skin.

"She quit her job a couple of days ago," he stated, staring into space.

"Why would she do that?" I asked.

"She's been sleeping with some guy, they've been getting high together, taking pills, Addie said she's tried to talk her out of it, but she's well," he began, "apparently in the worst state she's ever been in."

"Oh Derek, I'm sorry, do you need to fly out there to see her?" I asked, now fully awake. In these moments I'm thankful that I'm a surgeon, used to being woken up on a whim like this.

"Addison said they are staging an intervention tomorrow, she wanted to let me know to see if I wanted to come, I said no."

"Are you sure?"

"There is too much going on here, I can't leave you here right now, besides, I don't think she'd listen to me anyways."

"Don't stop yourself from seeing your sister because of me, whatever is going on here will still be going on when you get back," I said, "it'll be eight more long months of this." I sighed, laying back on the bed.

"Is it really that bad?" he asked, laying down next to me.

"Physically, I'm used to throwing up from my consistent hangovers in college," I replied, "emotionally I'm still trying to sort all my feelings out of whatever knot they're in. But, we're talking about you, not me. This is important, she's your sister."

"I told Addison no, and if the intervention doesn't work, then maybe I'll go out there and see if I can help," he explained, locking his hand in mine. "And you are more important to me, then whatever Amelia is going through."

"Since when did you go all mushy gushy on me?" I asked, smiling.

"Since when do you say mushy gushy?" he retorted, kissing my arm.

"Shut up, I think I'm growing," I said, "emotionally. Growing emotionally, we're not even going to talk about my growing waistline."

"Don't even go there, you're beautiful," he complimented me, kissing my stomach, "I don't think you could be more beautiful if you tried."

"Good god. All this love is beginning to gross me out." I said sarcastically.

"Better get used to it," he replied, kissing my lips, "there's a lot more where that came from."

_It __was __a __routine __colonoscopy, __a __surgery __I __could __do __with __my __eyes __closed, __I __took __it __to __increase __my __good __outcomes. __The __guy __was __in __his __fifties, __heavier __then __average,__on __the __shorter __side, __and __very __sweet. __He __had __a __grizzled __beard __and __big __eyes, __he __loved __to __laugh __and __he __brought __in __pictures __of __his __kids, __in __case __he__'__d __never __see __them __again. __I __told __him __that __nothing __would __happen __to __him __in __surgery, __that __he__'__d __be __out __with __flying __colors, __but __he __insisted __on __hanging __up __the __pictures __of __his __three __kids.__He __told __me __that__ '__you __never __know __what __happens __these __days, __I __just __want __to __make__ sure __no __matter __where __my __last __steps __were ,__they __were __with __me.__' __I __smiled __back, __on __the __inside __I __was __slowly __crumbling __to __pieces, __as __they __appeared __in __my __mind __again. __She, __with __her __dough __brown __eyes __and __soft __skin, __and __he,__with __his __bouncy __curls __and __infectious __smile,__what __were __they __to __think?_

_ "How'd the surgery go?" Alex asked me as I put my lab coat in my locker._

_ "Fine, no one ever dies in a colonoscopy." I said, smiling, "how was your surgery?" _

_ "Chick made it through, thank god, I don't need another bad outcome," he replied, getting his tooth brush out of his locker._

_ "Yeah I know it's like-," I started, then doubled over. I felt a shocking pain in my stomach, I couldn't even stand._

_ "Mer, Mer are you okay?" Alex asked, instantly worried. _

_ "I-I-I," trying to talk, I saw the blood spreading down my legs and immediately knew what was happening, and all I wanted to know, was why. _

"Oh god, oh god!" I screamed, tears streaming down my face as I began choking up sobs, "No, no, no, no, no."

"Wha-at?" Derek rolled over, opening his eyes to see my hysterical fit. "Mer what happened?"

"No, no, no, no," I was shouting, now gagging, out of control of my own body. Derek knew what was to come, swiftly arising from his sleep to quickly pick me up and run me down the hall, to avoid barf in the bed. Although I missed the toilet, vomit was sprawled all over the tiled floor, getting on Derek's feet.

I continued to cry, as Derek looked at me, my disoriented messy self, and sighed to himself.

"What happened?" he asked me quietly, rubbing the vomit off of my face with his arm.

"I lost it, I lost it," I continued to wail, "It happened again, I knew it would happen again, I knew it."

"Oh Meredith," Derek lamented, "you need to stop thinking that the worst is going to happen."

"When does the worst ever not happen?" I retaliated, beginning to gain back some sense of my surroundings, "every single thing in my life has gone wrong, and I don't know how I'm going to keep going on. I can't keep moving forward when everything stays paused, I just can't."

"We're gonna get through this," he reassured, kissing my forehead.

I looked up at him, into his dazed eyes, "But what if we don't?"


	5. Chapter 5

"What's wrong with you?" Alex called me out as I leant over to again barf in the waste basket next to me. The locker room was empty, it was nearing midnight and I was sick, tired, and far past my emotional breaking point. I didn't say anything while my head hung low in the bin, hoping that this would be the last vomit break for awhile.

"Ugh," I sighed, returning to throw up. I couldn't sleep because I was too nauseous, I couldn't eat because I'd throw up anything, and I couldn't cry anymore because there are simply no more tears left.

"You heard anything about Zola?" he asked.

"No," I said back, a faint whisper, "don't think we ever will."

"Mer I swear to god I'll kill myself if you just give up like this-," he began.

"I'm not giving up," I attempted to respond, throwing up again, "wanna not bother me while I'm puking my guts out?"

"You're pregnant!" he shouted enthusiastically, a smile broadening wide against his unshaven face.

"You can't tell anyone," I reiterated, "I mean it Alex, you can't tell a soul. I haven't told anyone yet, only Cristina and Derek know."

"Yeah no worries," he smiled again, "I'm really happy for you."

"I'm not." I groaned.

"Is the morning sickness really that horrible?"

"It's the consistent fear that's driving me up a wall, my freakin uterus is as hostile as Al Qaeda."

"How far along are you?" "Seven weeks, eight maybe? Not sure."

"You're almost out of your first trimester, you'll be fine."

"Even so," I got up from my seat, "like you said, what about Zola? I don't want to just give up this fight against her. She's not gone until they say she's gone, and they haven't yet."

"That's the Meredith Grey I know!" Alex hugged me, "dude, you are a kickass mom."

It was later that night, or I suppose early that morning, I was charting in the hallway, when Derek came to check up on me,

"Can I tell my mom?" he asked, his hands lingering over my stomach, I pushed them away.

"No," I replied bluntly, continuing to sign charts.

"Why not?"

"Because she'll tell Mark, Mark will tell Lexie, and you know Lexie, she'll tell the whole freaking world." "When can we let them know?"

"When it's safe to say that the baby has a better shot at making it." I looked at him in the eyes, "Derek don't get too attached, this whole thing could be gone tomorrow."

"Mer, how could you not be attached to it? It's part of you."

"But for how long? We've got bigger battles to fight, what about Zola? Are we just giving up on her?"

"You know that we've called Janet this week, and yeah we got the answering machine, but that doesn't mean she'll never call back."

"I just feel like we're cheating on Zola, by having another baby," I began to tear up, "damn hormones."

"I think," he played with my hand, "that whatever happens, happens. We aren't in control of all of this, but we are in control of us, and no matter what I'm here." His pager started to beep violently, "I gotta run, love you." He pecked my cheek, and ironically ran off.

"How's the fetus?" Cristina sat next to me, biting into an apple.

"What do you think of the name Christopher?" I countered, disregarding the question, she looked at me with a blank stare. "It's Derek's dead dad's name." "For your kid?" she asked.

"No," I replied, "I'm not thinking of names for my kid until I know I'm going to have my kid."

"Whatever you say," she rolled her eyes, "how's Derek with all of this?"

"He's way too happy and go lucky and annoying," I groaned, "if we lose it, it's going to crush him." "I can't believe I'm saying this Mer, but you gotta be a little bit optimistic."

"Why?"

"Because there is no point in being half glass empty, I swear."

"I wish I could believe that."

_ "Can I see him now?" I asked, running around the empty hallways of the hospital. My scrubs were drenched in blood, I don't know whose blood, maybe it was mine. Everywhere I looked there was blood splattered on the monochromatic walls and tiled floors. It haunted me as I kept running._

_ "Please? Please can I see him?" I began to yell, "George! George! Come back please!" _

_ "Yeah?" George appeared, holding him at his hip. I darted towards them, beginning to play with his little toes and put my hand against his, feeling the warmth of his skin._

_ "He's got a name," I said, "Christopher."_

_ "No he doesn't," George snapped, "he'll be him forever and you can't do anything about it." _

_ "Please, I just want him to have a name," I begged, "he deserves to have a name." "Why? It's not like he means anything to anybody," George replied, "it's not like he means anything to you."_

I woke up, startled, sitting up straight in the steel framed on call room bed. I clutched my chest, I could feel my heart beating faster then it should. Immediately I laid back down, attempting to relax my body, but I just couldn't. All I wanted to do was forget about everything that ever happened in my life and focus on medicine. Because medicine, is not as complicated as whatever my life has turned out to be.

My mother would definitely slap me if she were alive. I'm not doing anything to help anyone, I'm not even helping myself. Forget about being selfish, forget about being selfless, I'm doing the opposite of that. I can't even find a name for myself, not a healer or a harmer, just helpless. Since when am I helpless?

Oh right, that's what my life has turned into. Forget midlife crisis, crap has piled up to its extreme, and my brain literally feels like its going to burst out of my head. As these thoughts swirled around my mind, I felt sicker and sicker.

With that final thought, I threw up once more.

**Sorry guys it's been awhile, and this piece may not have been my best. Any ideas where I should go with all of this? The sooner you review the sooner I can update :)**


	6. Chapter 6

If my mother taught me one thing when she was alive, it was to never give up in any circumstance, whatsoever. True, she was probably talking about doing every single thing possible to save a patient, but whose to say it's not more applicable then that. Because if you don't give everything you got, if there is still one last push left in you, then you know you didn't really do your job. You know you'll never be extraordinary if at the end of the day you come home and you aren't exhausted.

"This guy looks good," Derek circled another name in the pile of paperwork on the kitchen table. The bags under his eyes were almost as heavy as mine, having spent the whole night crying, while my husband laid next to me, attempting to help, but not really knowing what to do.

"I think you say that about every other guy you've looked at," I replied, picking up the paper. "I think they are all over qualified enough to be our lawyers."

"Yeah, that's true," he added, "but I want the best, if that means paying our life savings, I don't care, it's worth it." My eyes were growing tired from staring at all of the notes, we probably had the information of every attorney in the entire state of Washington.

"Call this guy," I said, pointing my finger to a random name, "if we don't start calling we never will, and we have to start. The first step to doing anything, is just doing it."

"Thomas Green and Associates," Derek smirked, "sounds pretty promising."

"Leave them a message, I'll wait in the car and we can head off to work," I gently pressed my lips against his cheeks, leaving my kiss on his stubbly face. "And ya gotta shave Der!"

I grabbed my bag, making my way to the door, realizing that I wanted to hear his voice. I stayed for a moment, listening to the conversation.

"Hi this is Dr. Derek Shephard, I'm looking for an attorney to represent me and my wife in a custody case regarding our suspended adoption on our daughter," his voice dropping on octave as he said 'daughter,' "Yes, an appointment tomorrow would be great. We will both drop by then, thanks so much." He hung up the phone, still sitting at the table with a somewhat sad look on his face. He gazed out the window, the rain making its normal, repetitive imprints on the wall. As the room fell silent, the rain clashed against the roof, it sounded like needles thrashing onto the ground.

I sat in the car, noticing that my stomach felt light today, but not in a good way. Morning sickness was not something I will ever get used to, as every meal follows the rude awakening of my head in the toilet. As Derek got in the car, the vibrations of the door slam even made me queasy; all I could think about was my bland Cheerios that I ate two hours ago for breakfast, and how they were slowly creeping up my esophagus.

"You okay?" Derek began to merge onto the highway, putting his hand on my thigh.

"Yeah, just morning sickness," I sighed, "it's whatever."

"You sure? You look pretty pale," he continued, "do you want to stop at a gas station and ya know.."

"No, just, uh, pull over." I said, suddenly gagging up my breakfast, "pull over now."

The Seattle rain was down pouring, as I got out of the car onto the edge of the highway and began throwing up. I felt hot and disgusting, and the wet rain felt slimy against my body. Leant over, I couldn't get up, afraid that I would throw up again if I moved even in the slightest.

"Mer, you need me out there?" Derek yelled from the car, grimacing as he saw me continuing to vomit.

"No, no, I'm good," I wiped the remnants off of my face, getting back into the car. "Do I smell like puke?"

Derek rested on my shoulder for a second, taking a huge breath of air in, "No, you smell, good." He kissed my neck softly, pulling into the hospital parking lot. "Do you have a busy day today?"

"It'll be stressful, I'm working with Bailey in the lab all day," I grunted, "I don't know how I'm going to manage throwing up every two seconds with her around."

"You'll be fine," he kissed me again, "the sooner the day is over, the quicker we meet with the attorneys, the quicker we get Zola back."

"That makes it all worth it," I smiled.

"And then June will be here before we know it," he fluttered his fingers near my stomach, "and then our family will be complete."

* * *

><p>It was weird, I was only nine weeks pregnant, that's basically a little bit over two months, and the scrubs were getting tight. The extra stretch scrubs scared me, just the thought that I would need them, freaked me out sufficiently. I put a hand to my stomach, it was weird that something was in there, that it wasn't just me anymore. It wasn't like I could really even see a bump or anything, maybe a little bit, but the last thing I want to do is look at myself in a mirror right now.<p>

"Get mouse T for me Grey," Bailey barked, sitting on the opposite side of the room, flipping through files.

"Sure," I replied, getting up from my seat to grab the mouse. Suddenly it hit me, the nasty smell of the mice and the granola bar I had half an hour ago, was sloshing around in my stomach with an evil grin on its face. I remember the time last year when I was praying that I would be going through morning sickness, smells making me barf my intestines, but now, I'm far less then pleased. Of course its worth it, but all my focus, it's not on this baby.

"Bailey, I gotta-uh," starting to gag, I promptly threw myself towards the nearest waste basket, throwing up. She looked at me, one eyebrow up with confusion, her lip pouting, and her eyes angry.

"Sorry," I apologized, grabbing the mouse again, scowling at the repulsing smell that kept absorbing my insides. "Here he is."

"What's the matter with you?" she asked, turning her back to me as she took the mouse under the microscope.

"I think I caught something from the pit, not sure," I rubbed the excess vomit off of my face, "I'm really sorry about that."

"No need to dwell on it," she replied, "how's that baby of yours?" Immediately, my first thought went down to my abdomen, then realizing there was no way she could know about that.

"Derek and I are seeing a lawyer tomorrow," I moaned, "we're gonna try to get her back, but who knows at this point." The fear in my voice was obvious, me being genuinely scared was a rarity, but never seeing my daughter again, I don't know what I'm going to do.

"You go in with that attitude and you know you're not gonna come out on top, hell Grey I raised you better then that."

"I'm trying my best," I smiled, "means a lot you, you know, asked."

**Sorry it was short guys, next update will be soon I promise! next chapter they shall meet with the lawyers and discuss Zola and what not, for the other baby, boy or girl? I want your thoughts asap! review, review, review :D **


	7. Chapter 7

One month later

"That child loved her, it was an instant bond, taking her away is just traumatizing, plain and simple." Thomas Green walked around the court room, shifting his weight slowly as he anxiously told our side of the story.

"You have to understand, nothing good can come out of taking a child away from everything she is used to." he restated, the judge looked at him solemnly.

Derek was holding my hand, he was wearing his nicest clothes and I even bought a pant suit for the occasion, the pants from the maternity section, much to my dismay. My fingers were jittery, tapping against the wooden table while Derek stared into space, this was just so unreal. From my peripheral vision I could see Janet in the galley, looking at us with a look of sadness. I was right, there really was no hope.

"We'd like to call Meredith Grey as a witness," the defendant announced, I got up, repeating my words of being truthful and crap to the judge, and sat in the awkwardly square chair in front of the maybe fifteen or so people who came to the case.

"Now Dr. Grey, you tampered with your husband's clinical trial if I'm not mistaken," he started, his eyes piercing into what seemed to be my soul.

"Yes, I did," I replied.

"Now," he turned and faced the jury, "how can you trust a child to be raised by someone who illegally tampered with a ground breaking clinical trial? Dr. Grey, could you trust a child with someone that untrustworthy?"

"It wasn't me being untrustworthy," I began, "I did it to save a woman who is very dear to my heart, and yes that is wrong, and I would never instill a lesson into my child's life that it is right to exploit a trial for personal benefit. It was wrong and I admit to it, but I did it with good intentions, you have to know that."

"Good intentions, you ruined a trial, how could you justify that?"

"Objection!" Thomas shouted from his table, standing up.

"Sustained," the judge retorted, "do you really need to go any further Mr. Williams?"

"I have another point," he responded, "I also heard you stole this child for four whole hours, is that true?"

"Well yes, but-," I started, seeing Derek cover his eyes with his fingers.

"She stole a child!" Mr. Williams emphasized to the court room, "this woman is a kidnapper, she is simply not fit to be a mother." I could feel my eyes begin to tear, as I touched my stomach lightly, feeling like the worst person to ever walk this world.

"Objection!" Thomas shouted again.

"Sustained," said the judge, "Mr. Williams I think you've said enough."

I stepped down the stand, feeling shaky as my nerves truly got the best of me. It had been a long two hours of consistent fighting between the two sides, my testimony probably not helping our hopeless outcome.

"Case dismissed until the jury meets its verdict," the judge announced, releasing us for a break. I leant my head on Derek's, hugging him softly while I choked up my tears.

"Let's go, we'll find somewhere to go," he hushed, his arm around me, on our journey to find some peace. He lead me into a conference room, leaving Mr. Green to talk to his associates in the hall.

"Well it's done," I said, wiping away my tears, "not only are we never getting her back, I'm apparently the most unfit person to mother any child. I'm worse then my mother."

"Mer, you know that's not true," he kissed my cheek, "it's just that guy's job to say everything he possibly can to win his case, you know that it's all lies."

"Derek what if we don't actually get her back?" I covered my mouth as the cries became louder, moving away from him I went straight to the nearest wall, hitting my head hard.

"Stop it, stop it," he said pulling me close, "whatever happens, happens. She'll always be a part of our lives no matter the outcome, she loved us, we may have only had her for a short time, or we have her for a lifetime, it doesn't matter, because she was loved."

"She wasn't loved enough," I cried again, quivering my lip.

"As long as she was loved, once in her life, she will be okay." he hugged me again, "and you are the absolute best mother any child could ever have." His hands wavered to my stomach, touching it gently, "this little one, is the luckiest child in the whole world."

The door opened, "The jury has reached a verdict," Thomas interrupted, we followed him back into the court room.

I don't think I've ever been more scared in my life, and I feel like I've been saying that a lot lately. My heart was beating out of my chest, my pulse was racing, as the juror stood up to read that crumpled piece of paper that held the fate of her life, my life, his life, our life.

"In the case of Meredith Grey and Derek Shepherd verse the adoption agency of Seattle, we find the defendant guilty," my heart dropped.

"The custody of the child will fall under the care of social services," the judge announced, "case adjourned."

"Just promise me," I turned, teary eyed to the president of the adoption agency, "you'll find her a family that will take good care of her, please." He nodded, shaking hands with his attorney as they walked out of the room.

"Is this real?" I turned to Derek, who was also tearing up, "or is this some twisted dream that I'm going to wake up sometime soon?"

"No, no, I'm afraid not," he pulled me close, rocking me to somewhere far, far away from here.

* * *

><p>"Mer you should really come to work today," Derek said groggily as the alarm clock blared.<p>

"No I can't," I said, I had the same headache that I've had since the day we lost Zola, since a bunch of random strangers decided I'm unfit to be proper parent. "I just can't Derek."

"Maybe it'll make you feel better," he offered, tucking my hair behind my ear, "you like to work."

"I really can't," I restated, "there isn't much to live for at this point."

"Well I need to go, but I love you," he said sadly, kissing my lips, "and I love you," he kissed my stomach, "I love you both so much."

"We love you too," I replied, still with a sad tone, I went back under the comforters, and fell back asleep.

* * *

><p>"Holy boobs," Cristina walked into my bedroom, holding a box of Oreos and a movie. "Since when did you trade your double A's for watermelons, holy crap."<p>

"Benefits of fetus," I replied, flipping through my newspaper, "Shouldn't you be at work?"

"Shouldn't you be at work?" she retorted.

"I really just can't," I replied.

"Mer," she laid down next to me on my bed, "it's been a month since the hearing, you need to move on. I brought Oreos and some sappy dramedy that we could watch and cry it out."

"People keep walking into my life," I started, "then they leave it, and trample over my heart with a bulldozer."

"Maybe this was all meant to be, you're still getting a kid, you still get to have your miracle McBaby," she said.

"Cristina I can't just replace her," I said, "she was my kid, she was all mine. And they took her away. She's still out there somewhere, probably in a crowded foster home with a bunch of other kids, she's not being loved. My daughter is not being loved; I can't just sit here and wait for another baby to come and replace her. That's not how it works."

"Then how does it work?"

"I don't know," I teared up, "don't mind my hormones, they are crazily horrible. I cry at every thing that is remotely sad or disheartening."

"Sucks."

"No, you know what sucks? Having your kid be taken away and then facing a court room that tells you, you shouldn't parent that kid and you shouldn't parent any kid. What am I supposed to do with that?"

"Nothing, they don't know you. They can't judge you. Any mother could go up there and her flaws would be pointed out and picked apart for hours, every single mother could be said unfit. It's not you."

"I wish I could believe that," I bit my lip, "but thanks for bringing the cookies. I can down a sleeve in half a minute with all these gross cravings."

"Sounds like fun," she smiled, "I'm avoiding Teddy."

"Still? It's been months."

"She doesn't cry," Cristina started, "Ever. She sits around the hospital, and just stares for a really long time, then she snaps back into it as if nothing ever happened. She's more pissed at Owen then me, that's a fact, but still being around her, it just makes me, I don't know, sad."

"So then why would you come here? I don't make you happy."

"Nah, but you make me laugh!" she exclaimed, "you just ate twelve oreos in a good two minutes."

"Shut up," I said giggling. "You can't judge me, you're the one who had like a hundred hot dogs in ten minutes."

"I'm still very proud of that."

"Of course you are."


	8. Chapter 8

The plan of attack was to slip in and out without anyone noticing. I'd go in through the entrance that no one ever uses, swiftly walk against the walls and run into no one. Derek was unaware of this plan, he was just going to meet me in the waiting room. I was scared I'd run into anyone for multiple reasons; so I'll avoid my problems by avoiding absolutely everyone.

As I pulled up to the upper hospital parking lot, I took a big breath in. It had been two months since I'd been back, and I wasn't exactly overeager. It was strange going in with my street clothes on, and knowing that I wouldn't be changing into scrubs. I wouldn't come out of here feeling important, because I won't save a life today. The smell was rather welcoming, it was like coming home from college, and your room is exactly what it looked like when you left it. Everything was the same, but you knew it had to be different.

"Meredith?" Lexie shouted from across the hall, running up to me. To be fair, I probably should have told my sister I was pregnant awhile ago, then again I probably should have told a lot of other people. She's been at Mark's for the past month, I don't think she likes being home when I'm being cranky and sad and dark and twisty.

"What the hell?" she looked at my stomach; four months pregnant I realized that I was in my normal clothes, instead of Derek's oversized sweatshirts and my baggy sweatpants (what I've been living in at home) when I didn't even notice my bump, oh crap.

"Oh yeah," I shrugged, "I'm sort of pregnant."

"Sort of?" she smiled, "I'm going to be an aunt?"

"Well yeah," I said back, "what are you doing up here?"

"Teddy has a pregnant mom who needs a bypass, we're doing the procedure after she has the C-section," she stated, "but don't even try to change the subject, what the hell Mer? You drop off the planet for weeks and you come back and you're pregnant and when were you going to tell me?"

"Lex, calm down," I started, "it's been a rough couple of weeks, honestly it's been about getting through the day, thinking in advance hurts my brain." I looked at my watch, "look, I'd love to catch up, but I have an ultra sound in three minutes and Derek's gonna have my head if I'm late."

"Ultra sound!" Lexie gushed, "this is just so exciting!"

"Yeah, uh, yeah," I began to walk away, "we'll talk later, I gotta run."

"We better!" she shouted as I walked down the hall.

Derek was sitting in the waiting room, some baby magazine propped on his lap, looking happy, but I knew he was still hurting. He's been keeping it inside forever; he hides his pain and while I ignore mine, I guess that's why we're made for each other.

"Hey," he said as I sat down, kissing my cheek softly. "So we gonna find out?"

"I mean I guess," I said, "if you want to, it doesn't really matter to me."

"I want to know," he replied, "so we can you know, start painting the nursery in the new house and buy onesies and cribs and strollers."

"I don't think strollers are gender dependable, because I'm not pushing some frilly pink stroller." I laughed.

"You think it's a girl?" he asked.

"I don't know, I'm just saying," I chucked again, "pink strollers are not my thing."

"When we find out, we should start thinking of names," he stated.

"Yeah I guess," I replied a bit apprehensive, names made it all so real.

"Meredith Grey?" a nurse came into the waiting room, holding my manilla folder and gesturing us to the exam room.

"Here we go," Derek took a big breath.

"Either way, we're happy," I said, holding his hand as we walked into the room.

* * *

><p>Cristina scratches her collarbone, Alex picks at the dirt under his stubby nails, April twirls her hair, Jackson blinks; we all have those things we do when we're nervous. I have it the worst; I tap my fingers like no other, and absolutely everyone knows that.<p>

"Nervous?" Derek smiled, noticing as I anxiously tapped my fingers against my stomach. This really wasn't supposed to be a big deal; boy or girl I was going to be perfectly happy. But as I know, nothing ever goes how I want it to. I keep telling myself it doesn't matter if it's a girl or a boy, but it does, it really does. And either way I'm going to be equally scared. My first one was a boy, my second one was a girl. I've lost both; I don't deserve a second chance with either.

"Um a bit," I said, still tapping my fingers. If it's a girl, all I'll think about is Zola and how much I disappointed her. How she's probably in some tiny room with a bunch of other crying, dirty babies and scared out of her mind. Or she's with her new family getting put down for her afternoon nap. I don't know which one is worse.

"How are we today?" Dr. Riley, the present OBGYN attending came inside.

If it's a boy, all I'll think about is the boy I lost, and how I've found him, so helpless. He was the most magnificent baby boy I've ever seen, even if I only saw him for a few minutes.

"So are we going to find out if its a boy or a girl?" she asked, pulling my shirt up. Derek's eyes nearly popped at the sight of my protruding stomach, I didn't even notice how big I got.

"Yes," I said, plastering a fake smile across my face. Derek squeezed my hand, eyes sparkling.

"Okay," the doctor began the ultra sound, the heartbeat of the baby scared me for a second, whenever I hear it, the whole idea of having a baby just becomes even more real. But I just keep telling myself, don't get attached, you can't get attached.

"A girl!" Derek squealed, I was surprised he could still read an ultrasound.

"Well someone knows his obstetrician facts!" Riley exclaimed, "you are indeed having a little girl."

"Wow," my jaw dropped, "a little girl."

"A little girl," he echoed, his heart was racing so fast I could even feel it.

* * *

><p>"Lilian, Elizabeth, Carly, Jane?" Derek named, lying back into bed next to me.<p>

"No," I replied curtly, closing my eyes.

"Dylan, Samantha, Danielle?" he asked again.

"Derek I don't want to do this right now," I sighed, turning to face the other side of the room.

"Fine." he replied with a grunt.

"I'm sorry, I just can't do that right now." I stated.

"You can never do it right now! Will you ever be able to do it?" he retorted, getting angry. "This is our daughter, she deserves a name. You call her it! She's a she! She's real Mer, and she's going to come whether you're ready or not."

"Don't you think I know that she's real? Don't you know that I wish that I could love her? That I could imagine onesies and preschool and her prom date and going to college? Don't you think I want to hope for our future? Don't you wish I believed in hope?" I started, sitting up in the bed. "Dammit Derek! Do you know how scared I am?"

"I didn't mean to-," he began.

"Then what did you mean?" I sobbed, "I want to be a good mother. I want to more then anything in the world, and I've already failed. Zola is out there somewhere and she's- she's I-I-I don't even know. And you! You ju-just sit here! As if she was never even here. She-she was our daughter! She-she was your da-daughter!"

He looked at me, pushing a tear back. "I love her." he stated, "I'll never, ever stop loving her. But," he grabbed my hands, "we aren't getting her back. And we need to get over her."

I let out sob after sob, resting on his shoulders, my head fitting perfectly in his neck, crying tears of pure pain.

"We've been given a miracle," he said, "and I promise that our daughter will know all about Zola, and how much we love her."

"I-I-I'm so scared. We could still lose her Derek," I cried, "I can't name her, if I name her and I lose her, it'll make it even more unbearable. I can't even imagine."

"You are four and a half months pregnant Meredith." he placed his hand on my stomach, "if this wasn't meant to be, we wouldn't have gotten a miracle. You may have had a crappy life, but this," he stroked my abdomen, "is going to make it all worth it."

"But what-what if-," I began.

"What if? We could what if all day long." he replied, "we could all die tomorrow, so let's just enjoy today. We can hope for the future all we want, but today is today, so let's just make the most of it."

"Will-will you still love me," I started, "if I lose her. Will you still love me?"

Derek looked me straight in the eye, kissing my lips softly and said, "I will never, ever stop."

**Review please and thanks :) I know I haven't updated in awhile, the more reviews I get the faster I'll write! :D**


	9. Chapter 9

Snow fell like it did in the movies; big flakes in the air, creating blankets of white throughout the streets. Wisps of wind catching their drift, then falling to the ground in almost slow motion. I sat on the edge of the couch, my nose pressed against the cold window, a blanket covering my body. Outside was Hallmark perfect, the branches with appropriate amounts of snow and the lawn sparkled with white. The fire made it smell like home, even though this wouldn't be home for much longer.

"Hey" Derek came up to me, kissing my cheek.

"Hey," I replied, kissing him back softly. He sprawled out on the couch, I laid on top of him, feeling the cold tip of his nose, his breath in rhythm with mine.

"I like this," he said, smiling, "you know, this is our last winter without baby." He looked up at me, almost expecting me to cringe at the word, but instead, a smile crept its way across my face, and for the first time it was real.

"Baby," I repeated, smiling again, pulling myself off of Derek, sitting up on the sofa, he sat up in response.

"Baby." he said to himself, "baby."

"Yeah." I replied, laughing giddily.

"Yeah," he placed his hand on my stomach, "I think she likes it when we say baby."

"I think so too," I put my hand on top of his, smiling broadly. "She does need a name."

"We'll figure something out," he said, "I don't want to rush myself into it, when we hear the perfect name, then we'll use it."

"And we aren't getting a name book." I said, "those are pointless. It's not like I'm going to name our daughter something bizarre like the stuff in there."

"Daughter." he smiled.

"Yeah," I smiled back.

* * *

><p>I was in the middle of my nap, because I've been too exhausted lately, when the phone rang. Derek wasn't home, I think he was at the hospital, actually he had to have been at the hospital. I laid in bed, listening to the persistent ringing, I was too invested in my laziness to get up, but I managed to roll out of bed.<p>

"Hello?" I greeted, my eyes still squinting.

"Meredith! It's Richard, I've been dying to hear your voice." I smiled, I missed his voice.

"Chief! I, uh, I'm sorry I've been on leave for y'know, well," I kept rambling nothing, I really had limited excuses for why I haven't been working.

"Well yes, about that," he began, "I know that losing your daughter took a toll, so I understand that you needed some time. But it's been months now, and I've been pulling for you, I've been pleading your case, but the board needs to know if I have to take your name out of the program."

"Oh." I replied, swallowing a large lump down my throat, "it's just-"

"No, you deserved the time off, I understand, but I need to know if you're planning on coming back."

"Well yeah," I ran my hand through my hair groggily, "I guess I just haven't thought about it lately, I've been busy."

"Have you made any sort of decision?" I could tell he was anxious, he knew my mother wouldn't want me quitting, and I sure as hell aren't quitting. But I've told four people I'm pregnant, telling the Chief seems, I don't know, weird.

"Yes, I plan on coming back," oh how I am good at making decisions on a whim, "Chief, I have something to tell you."

"Yes?" I could hear him lingering on the phone.

"I'm coming back and all," I paused, now nervous, "but I'm going to need maternity leave for a bit, because I'm uh sorta pregnant."

"Sort of?"

"Yes," I gulped, "pregnant. Four months. Pregnant."

"Congratulations!" I could hear his excitement, "what great news! I'm so happy for you and Derek, do you know the gender?"

"Girl," I smiled to myself, placing a hand on my abdomen.

"Wow, just, wow." I could see him smiling.

"Thanks, I appreciate it. So, uh, about the maternity leave?" I asked.

"You can take as much time as you need after the baby's born, but Meredith, I need you in the hospital up until you need to stop working. The place just isn't the same without you here."

"Yeah, yeah, definitely, I'll come tomorrow."

"Great, wow, I'm just so happy for you."

"Thanks."

"I've gotta run, have a good evening."

"You too." He hung up, and I felt tears streaming down my face, it was the hormones or something, but I couldn't have felt more happy. I couldn't tell my mother I'm pregnant, my baby will never know my mother. And my father, maybe I'll get to it eventually, but he's shacked up with some twenty year old in who knows where. But Richard, knowing he would be a part of my baby's life, I was simply blessed, because my baby, is going to be so loved.

**I know short sorry guys! Thoughts, reviewS?**

**I thought getting Mer out of her bad place would be a good way to transition her back to work with her friends, tell me what you think! **


End file.
